The Ice Queen's Secret
by RISVULove
Summary: Alexandra Cabot needs help. Needs help, but she doesn't want it. What happens when Casey finds out her secret? Will Alex let her help?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

I rest my head back against the apartment door and all I can think of is Casey. Casey confessing to me how much she cares for me, how she'd do anything for me. How much she loves me and what did I do?

Stood there. Blankly. And watched her walk away, tears streaming down her face. Mumbling to herself 'of course you don't love me..'

How could I hurt her like that? Hurt her so much when she made herself so vulnerable to me.

Opened her heart up and I just panicked. Panicked so much.

I love her too. How could I not?

But she'd never understand. Never understand what I do to myself. Hurting myself, and over what? Not a thing. Its like an urge, an urge to turn the blade over my wrist.. And thighs and shoulders.. Anywhere that can be hidden by clothes really.

God, She really doesn't realise what she's getting into by loving me.

I laugh as I think of my nickname -Alexandra Cabot, the 'Ice Queen' who never looses her cool or shows her emotions.

Never looses her cool, unless shes taking it out on herself. Night after night, marring her skin with fresh slits, but desperately wanting to stop.

Stop abusing herself, punishing herself.

But she cant. Cant stop.

And involving Casey Novak, sweet innocent, beautiful Casey, well that would just be cruel, wouldn't it?

Cruelty isn't even the word.

I'd love to hold her, need her, love her but I'd just be setting myself up for heartbreak. The second she'd find out what I did to myself she'd run. Run away. Who wouldn't?

Who'd voluntarily stay with me?

Someone who's out of their fucking mind, thats who.

Yes, I'm better off alone. By myself. Not involving others in this sick game. Hurting them as much as I hurt myself.

One problem - She's haunting me.

The look on her face of utter heartbreak when I stayed silent is all I can see and its making me want to scream, scream and cry and break things.

I cant do any of that though. I wouldn't want the neighbours hearing, now would I?

No, I have a much quieter resolution.

I drag myself up and walk to the bathroom and reach to the back of the medicine cabinet and removing the pile of tissue.

I slowly unravel it, showing the blades. I've used them for what, 2 years now?

The same blades every time.

I run my finger along the edge of one, prodding it, its not as sharp as I'd like anymore. I wrap the other back up, I don't want to go too far tonight, just enough to try and make me feel better, try and forgive myself for hurting Casey.

I continue to finger the blunt edge. Maybe I do need a new weapon of choice. Well this may do for now.

I laugh bitterly as I slice the dull edged blade over my wrist, not too deep, but deep enough to make it hurt. The sting sending a rush through my body.

I watch, watch as the deep red blood flows up, staining my pale skin, leaving a trickle mark and I feel the blood droplets hit off my bare legs.

Shit, I'm still in my work clothes!

That stays with me for a minute but it soon goes as I twirl the blade between my fingers again.

I look down at the gash on my arm and just beside it slice another one, same length but a little deeper this time.

I feel the blood pumping and I start to feel my heart pounding in my ears.

Uh-Oh.. I'm going to pass out.

I know I need to get into bed. I cant be sleeping on my bathroom floor.

I begin to push my hand over the gashes, easing the blood flow and I dull it enough to the point where I can stand without vomiting or collapsing.

I relax against the sink and catch my breath then stumble out the door and make my way towards my bedroom.

As I finally reach the door, I enter the room and get into my bed.

It feels great to lay down.

I feel the blood rushing to the still pulsing gashes and I sigh as the duvet is stained by more blood.

At that moment I don't care all that much, all I care about is Casey.

And I hurt her. Made her so upset.

I deserve what I do to myself. Deserve the pain. I deserve it all.

And I'm sure, she'd agree if she knew what I was doing.

But I could never tell her. Then I'd loose my best friend. The one person I care for on this whole goddamn planet!

To be honest, after tonight, something tells me thats happened anyway.

Well fuck that. How could I be so stupid?

I'm such a fucking idiot!

"Casey! Please!" I sob into my pillow before my heavy eyes close, forcing me into a darkened slumber.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

"Alex?" There was a knock on my door and I sigh

"Yeah, come in" I call and then I see Olivia walk in

"Al? Have you been talking to Casey today?"

I feel my heart pound in my chest and I feel my mouth dry up

"I-I, um, no.. Why?"

"She burst out crying in the middle of the squad room today.. I tried to catch up with her but she ran off. I know she's really close to you so I was wondering if she was okay?"

"I don't know Liv.. I've been busy lately we haven't talked much.."

"Maybe you should go see her? I don' know.. I've never seen her like that before"

"Yeah.. Maybe I will go talk to her. Thanks for letting me know Liv"

"No problem Al. I'll see ya around, okay"

"Bye Liv"

xx

I walk up the hall towards Casey's office and I feel my palms sweat. How can I face her? I broke her heart last night and obviously she is still upset.

I need to talk to her. Tell her I love her.

And then what? Break her heart again by telling her we couldn't be together?

I raise my hand and tap in the glass on the door

"Casey? You there?" I call and I put my hand on the door handle

"Case? Please.. Talk to me?"

I listen and swear I can hear her cry inside

I open the door and sure enough she is sitting at her desk, in tears.

I feel the bile rise in my throat. I'm disgusted at what I've done. How I've made her feel.

I walk over to her, although I know I shouldn't, I should be trying to distance myself, ya know making it easier to run.

I ignore all that and slip my arms around her

"Please. Please don't cry Case.. I hate seeing you upset" I whisper and she buries her head closer into me

"I'm sorry" she sobs and I play with her hair

"Don't be. I'm the one thats sorry, I was a coward Case"

"What?"

"Last night.. I shouldn't have let you run, I panicked. Casey, I-I love you too.. Please, don't cry"

"You love me?"

"I do" I say and I feel her sigh

"Why did you panic then?"

I freeze. I cant tell her. I cant. She'd leave.

"I..."

She pulls back and looks me up and down "Al? What is it?"

"Sorry.. I, um, have to go"

I stand up and try to rush out the door but just as I reach it I feel her grab my wrist.

Shit! That hurt!

"Alex! Don't leave! Please!"

I feel my wrist sting and my eyes water

"I have to" I say, my voice barely above a whisper

I turn and walk out, speeding down to my office.

I go in and lock the door, I don't need someone bothering me now.

I peel the crisp white blouse up my arm and see the aggravated red raw gashes bleeding again. Shit!

I go to my desk and grab some of the tissues I keep in my drawer and stick a bunch of them down onto the re-opened gashes

I watch as the paper soaks up all the blood from the cuts.

I sigh and hold in my tears then I hear the knock

"Alex, let me in.." Casey says from outside and I jump

"Casey, give me a minute!"

"Alex, whats wrong?" She asks and I pull back down my sleeve

"Casey, I'm okay. Please.. Just give me a minute"

"I'm waiting here Alex.."

I sigh and take a deep breath and open the door

"Sorry.." I say and she grabs my hand

"Don't be sorry.. Al? What's going on? Please talk to me"

I sigh and open the door, letting her come in.

"Al.. What is it?" She asks and she sits into my office chair

"Casey... I, um... I"

"Alex, its okay? You can talk to me"

"I cant Casey.. I'm sorry.. This is.."

"What? What do you feel like you cant talk to me about? I thought we were friends?"

"Casey, we are. You know that. This is just complicated.."

"Complicated?"

"I'm sorry Casey.."

She nods "Its okay.. I just hope you feel like you can talk to me. If you ever need to talk Al, I'm here. No matter what"

"Thank you.."

"Alex.. Would you, um, come out for dinner with me?"

"Like a date?" I ask and I see her eyes dart around the room, going everywhere but meeting mine

"Well, I, just thought if you wanted, it doesn't have to be, we can just-"

"Case, its okay. It can be a date"

"Really?" She says her eyes brightening up

"Yeah" I smile and she kisses my cheek

"Lets go then.." I smile and we walk out together.

Oh my God.. How am I going to do this? I'd love to be in a relationship her but she will be so upset and angry with me if she finds out.

Maybe I'll hide it from her?

That will never work. I need to tell her.

Oh God...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

"Al? You okay?" Casey asks sitting forward in her seat

I look up from the table "Yeah.. I'm sorry I'm being a real drag. I just don't feel too great"

"Yeah? Do you wanna go? We could do this another time?"

"You don't mind?" I ask and she takes my hand

"Of course, come on. You should get home"

"Thanks Casey" I smile and she helps me up

"Don't worry Al. Lets go"

xx

We get to my building and Casey hugs me

"Feel better Al"

I smile and hug her back "Thanks Casey. For everything"

"No problem Alex.." She smiles and squeezes my hand

I flick my eyes down to my wrist and sigh

"Hey, Casey? Will you come up? I think I should talk to you"

"Sure Al, as I said, I'm here 24/7"

I take her hand and we walk silently up to my apartment. We get inside and I offer her a drink which she politely declines. We walk in and sit on the couch and I keep my eyes down

I feel her eyes burning into me and I cough to ease the growing tension in the room

"Alex.. Whatever is going on, its okay"

"I don't think it is Casey" I whisper and she takes my hand

"Alex, listen okay? Whatever it is, you can tell me?"

I begin to run my hands over my wrist and I meet her eyes

"Casey, I-I have a problem"

"Okay sweetheart. What is it?"

I roll up my sleeve and reveal the fresher gashes

Casey gasps and grabs my wrist "Alex?! What are you doing to yourself?!"

I feel myself tremble "I-I-I.."

"You what?! Please, try and justify it!"

"I-I'm sorry, okay?!"

I run from the living room, and go to my bedroom, locking the door behind me

I sit against the door and after a minute I hear Casey knock

"Alex? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that. Please, let me in, we can talk properly"

I close my eyes and take a deep breath but it still doesn't steady me

I look down to my trembling hands and shake my head. I need to talk to her, make her understand that I don't want this

I pull myself up and open the door and when I open it I'm met by Casey who has tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry.. I shouldn't have done that" she says and I hug her after a minute she pulls back

"Alex, why? Why do you do that to yourself?"

"I-I don't know Case.. I really don't" I sob and she holds me into her

"Baby, hey, sshh. Its okay. Its okay. I have you. Talk to me Alex.."

"I-I cant.."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to leave Casey"

"I wont. I promise you, I will stay here and help you. Help you through this Alex"

"T-Thank you" I stutter looking back to the blood soaked bedsheets

Casey follows my gaze and squeezes my hand

"Get some fresh bed clothes, I'll help you remake the bed"

I smile weakly and walk down to get the sheets. She is being so kind to me.. Why though?

I walk back down to the room, bed clothes in hand and find she has all the covers removed

"Alex.. When are these stains from?"

"Last night" I say weakly, looking at the pile of sheets on the ground

"When did you do it.. Before or after-"

"After"

I see her face drop and she sighs

"I'm sorry-"

"You didn't do it" I blurt

"I know but... I didn't help"

I just hand her pillow covers and we remake the bed, in silence.

We are done and I sit on the fresh sheets. How long will it be before these ones are soaked in blood?

I sigh and Casey takes my hand

"Al? What you thinking about?"

"This.. I-I never told anyone"

"No one?"

"No.."

"Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me Alex.. You should've said something sooner though? Was that not hurting you, hiding like that?"

"It was.. I knew I had to tell someone and you are the person I trust most. You cant tell anyone, okay?"

"Alex-"

"I mean it. No one Casey.. Please"

She nods "Okay. I wont tell anyone"

"Promise me"

"Promise you?-"

"Just... please promise me"

"I promise you Alex, I will not breathe a word of it. But I need you to promise me you will try and stop"

"I cant Case.. I cant promise that, I don't like breaking promises and I know I cant keep this one"

"You can. You can try. Just try Alex.. You can start by giving me what you use to cut.."

"Casey.. I don't know"

"It'll help you, please?"

I stand off the bed and walk down to the bathroom, Casey in tow and then I see the remains of the blood from last night

I hear her inhale sharply but she just grabs a towel and wipes it up then throws it in the washing basket

"It okay.." She urges and I reach into the cabinet and hand her the tissue covered blades.

"Here.." I say and she nods

"I'm also taking your knives-"

"Casey, thats a little extreme-"

"No, it isn't. I love you and I couldn't handle if you did something that.." She pauses and coughs "I'm taking them, okay?"

"So what? You are just leaving spoons and forks?"

"Pretty much.."

This will help me. It'll help. She wants to help.

She isn't running.

I know she is helping but I honestly don't believe this will last.

I know what the urge to cut feels like, how it intensifies until you feel the blade sink into your skin making it stop.

I know I will do anything, anything, to stop it if it starts.

Thats whats scaring me.

I have a feeling this promise might be getting broken... I really don't want it too though. I want it stop, to prove to Casey that I'm not weak.

I really want to do it. I want to keep my promise. I'll try my best to stop, for Casey.

xx

AN: Thank you for the reviews! By the way, some of you said it was different seeing Alex cut and I thought that too but then the more I thought of it the more I had to write it.. So I wrote the first chapter at 2am this morning :L

Anyway! Do you all think Casey's helping? Or will this just make Alex want to cut more?

Thanks for reading, and review please..


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4;

"Alex? Can I ask you something?"

I look over to her and nod mutely and she continues

"What made you start cutting?"

I close my eyes. Re-living this will not be good for the 'healing process'

"My ex wasn't the greatest of people.. She used to put me down a lot. I was 'too fat to pull that off' or 'too ugly to sit with her in public'.. Then, when I tried not listening to her, she started, um..."

Casey slips her hand into mine

"Its okay Al.. Take your time"

I nod and try and hold in my tears

"She hit me.. Slapped me around. Olivia saw my bruises one day at work and I know she knew what was going on.. She gave me this big speech during the case we were on, which involved domestic abuse.. I know she knew"

I pause and take a deep breath, not 100% on how Casey would handle this part, or how sure I would be recounting in

"She progressed.. t-to raping me"

I break down that far into it, I've never physically said it out loud before and people usually say it makes you feel better to talk about it, it doesn't. Not even a little.

I cry into Casey who just holds me and soothes me as I cover her salmon blouse in tear stains.

When I finally regain a little composure Casey kisses my forehead

"I'm still here Al. None of this is making me run"

"I thought you would" I admit

"I know you did.. How could I leave you knowing you were hurting like this? Alex, please try and have confidence in me, I wont run from you"

"Thank you"

"Al, how many times did she-"

"Once. I left after that.. I could handle, well I couldn't really handle it, but I'd take the abuse both physically and mentally but not rape.. I-I wouldn't do that to myself"

"Jesus, I'm so proud of you Alex. You walked away from this woman who was putting you through hell!"

"Yeah I walked away and them what? I let her get to me Casey, her fucking words got into my head! All I could think was how people could never love me, that I didn't deserve their love. The cutting actually started by accident.. I um, wanted to kill myself and I was seeing how deep in I'd need to go but when I slashed a couple on my arm I felt oddly better.. I felt like I could be happy again. So I kept doing it and the first time I passed out.. I woke up later and I actually smiled, I was happy I wasn't dead. Because I was even happier at the relief I felt when the blade tore my skin"

I look up and see the tears rolling down Casey's cheeks and I felt bad again, this is hurting her too

"Case.. Don't be upset-"

"You wanted to die?" She asks and I sigh

"Yeah. I did. For a long time. And ironically the cutting made me want to live again.. Then it became more of a way of life.. A way of unwinding. In time of high stress I go a little overboard but my body is used to it by now I think"

She shakes her head "I cant believe that vindictive woman made you feel like this. Made you believe you were worthless or anything less than perfect. Alex, you are amazing. You are kind, smart, compassionate, caring, funny, beautiful and I don't want you thinking less of yourself.."

"I know Casey but I cant help it, when you hear something long enough you start to believe it"

"Well, If I have to, I will tell you're beautiful every second of every day until you believe me. You. Are. Beautiful. Please, I don't want you feeling worthless anymore"

"Having you helps"

"Well, I'm not going anywhere so.."

"I love you Casey"

"I love you too Alex"

I look at the clock and sigh

"I'm kinda tired, do you wanna go to bed? I'll take the couch and you can have-"

"Alex, let me hold you tonight, I don't want you on the couch, I want you in my arms"

I nod, wiping the tears from my eyes "Okay"

"Good. Lets go then. Oh, could I borrow an old shirt to sleep in or something? I don't want to ruin my work clothes.."

"Of course, lets go pick you out something"

I smile as we walk to the room. This is going to be okay. She wont leave, she loves me.

xx

I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart beating out of my chest. I had finally lost the nightmares and now talking about it brought them all back.

I sit up in bed and feel my heart beat harder. Oh god.. I want to cut so bad.

I want to feel the blade on my skin, see the blood drip from the gashes littering my body-

"Casey! Casey! Wake up"

She darts awake and sits up seeing me so upset

"I-I want to.. I feel.. I-I need your help"

She nods and pulls me closer to her and I rest my head into her

"You don't need to cut Alexandra. You don't. I'm here and I have you.. You are safe in my arms sweetheart"

"How did you-?"

"I saw the panic on your face" she whispers and I relax into her

"I'm sorry I woke you, I didn't know what else to do-"

"Don't apologise, as I said, I'm here for you 100%, 24/7. I don't mind you waking me up"

"I know but I feel bad"

"I love you. I know if our positions were switched you'd do the same for me so, I'm helping you Al. Take it"

"Thats never been said to me before"

"Yeah, well I'm starting now. I'm here, just say and I'll talk with you, lie with you, anything you need, I'll be here"

"You really love me"

She smiles "I do really love you Al"

"Okay.. I feel better now. Thank you" I smile and she kisses me

"Lets try and sleep then. Wake me again if you need to alright?"

"Okay" I nod and stay wrapped in her arms

She is perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

I sit in the bathroom, my head in my hands.

I asked Casey if she'd stay here for a few days and while she went to her apartment to get her clothes I went to the drug store a minute down the road and bought more blades.

I'm sitting now just looking at the unopened packet and I cant help but think how much I need to feel the blade sink into my skin, how I need to see the blood escape the gashes

I sigh and try to focus on something else, anything else but thats pretty much impossible.

I need this.

I don't think Casey realises how much I need this.

I open the packet and take one of the blades into my hand and just twirl it between my fingers. Oh God, it feels so great having the blade in my power again, although this one is newer, sharper, more fulfilling.

I just graze it along my arm, not even denting my skin, just enjoying the metal against my arm.

I look at my phone, Casey will be home soon. I better not do anything.. But who knows when I'll be left alone again? I know when she's here she wont take her eyes off me..

I sigh and think how much this will be letting her down, disappointing her. I couldn't do that... I shouldn't even have bought these..

Fuck it, I'll apologise if she finds out.

When she finds out, not if.

I put more pressure on the blade and it pierces my skin. I feel the wave of relief wash over me when I see the blood rise to the gash and the numbing pain stop.

Whenever I'm not cutting my body is in a numb pain until I do cut again. I feel my skin crawl and my breathing seems uneasy.

Thats crazy right? I feel worse when I'm not causing myself pain.

I slice another gash into my arm and feel even more relieved. How did I stop this, even just for yesterday.

I watch as more blood flows down my arm and then I freeze in shock when I hear Casey call my name.

Shit!

I throw the blades into the laundry basket, covering them with clothes and wash my arm and haphazardly wrap it in a light bandage, I just have my sleeve down when she knocks on the door

"Alex?"

"Yeah babe? One sec. Everything okay at yours?"

"Yeah, fine.."

I open the door and hug her "Hey.." I smile

"Hey.." She looks at me when I pull back "Whats wrong?"

I blink "Nothing? Why?"

Shit! Shit! Please don't notice my wrist.. Please

"You look pale, like all the bloods rushed from your.." I see her eyes widen

"Show me your wrist"

I walk backwards away from her but she walks towards me

"Alex, show me what you've done"

"Nothing! I'm okay"

"So you didn't cut?"

I just look at her, unable to lie but unwilling to tell the truth

"Casey.."

She closes her eyes

"Please just show me it"

I roll up my sleeve and show her the bandage now wet with blood

She walks back into the bathroom and grabs the first aid kit, takes me to my bedroom and sits me down, beginning to properly care for the wounds.

I have tears in my eyes the whole time as she disinfects and redoes the bandages

When she's finished she silently walks to the bathroom and I lay back down on the bed. God.. I really shouldnt've done that. It just felt so good and I needed it..

I'm shocked when she comes back in and sits beside me

"Where is it?"

"In the laundry basket, under some clothes, there's a full packet, I bought some when you left"

"Oh God.. I knew I shouldn't have left you!-"

"Case, I basically convinced you.."

"Why couldn't you talk to me?" She asks and I hear the heartbreak in her voice

"Because.. I wanted to do it, I didn't want to stop myself.."

She walks out and comes back with the blades, including the one I cut with and sits back down "Alex, you need help from someone that isn't me.. I cant do this anymore. I cant watch you hurt yourself"

"I don't need therapy Casey"

"Yes you do! Alex, you need to find out how to control the urge to cut.."

"Okay, how do you even know! I don't see you slashing your wrists so stop! Stop trying to lecture me when you don't know!"

She looks over at me, fire in her eyes "Don't know? Really!?"

She drops her tracksuit bottoms to her knees and I see small scars littering her thighs

"Oh... Casey"

"Yeah, so I have an idea in what I'm talking about! You need help Alex"

"Okay.. Okay, I'll get help.. Case, why did you cut?"

"I was a teenager. I suffered a lot with depression and I felt better when I cut. Mom found me one day.. Bleeding out in our bathroom and when I woke up she made me promise I'd never do it again, and with help, I didn't. I've wanted to, but I didn't.."

"Wow... You never did it again?"

"Never.. And as I said, I really wanted to, but I didn't"

"How? How.. Because I knew I shouldn't have done that today, even as I did it but.."

"It felt like relief, so you did it anyway"

"Yeah..."

"I had help. Professional help Al, getting help isn't a sign of weakness, you will need it if you ever want to stop though"

"I know" I sigh and open my arms, silently asking her to lie down with me, which she does

She plays with me hair and I sigh "I'm sorry I broke my promise"

"You didn't, the promise was to try, I'm sure you tried but it just didn't work out. Anyway Al, you agreeing to getting some help, thats trying.. You didn't break our promise"

I know I have but thank her anyway. We just lay together until we both get hungry enough to eat

"You hungry?" She asks and I nod

"Will I make soup? Its fast and easy"

"Sure, thanks Case"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Dumb whore.

Fucking slut.

Fat bitch.

Worthless piece of crap.

Thats all you are Alexandra.. I don't know how I even love you, nobody else would. Who'd love a whore like you? Hmm?

Get out of them jeans Alexandra, they don't suit your figure... No talking back Alexandra, now, go. You are too big for them. Maybe you should eat less.

Ugh, don't even sit with me. I don't want you near me... Wait! Come back here! Whats that on your wrist... A cut? Aww.. The little slut is a cutter. That'll turn women off you even more Alexandra.. Honestly, how do I stay with you, its a miracle anyone stays with you!

I sit in silence across from Doctor Adams, who is stunned.

Sharing a bit much too soon maybe?

Then she pulls me out of it "Alex, that woman sounds toxic to say the least! What made you stay with her?"

"I was afraid.. Afraid she was right. What if she was the only one who'd love me? Why would anyone love me.. She had it drilled into me that everything she was saying was correct and when you hear it frequently enough, you'll sooner or later believe it"

"Alex, you are a beautiful woman. You need to realise that woman was extremely insecure in herself, thats why she lashed out at her lovers and her mocking of your self harm was really a step too far. She tries to find a persons weakness and prays on them for it.. And as for the comments about your weight, its ridiculous! You have a stunning figure.."

"Thank you" I blush at her compliment and she sighs

"That women broke you Alex and I'm going to try everything I can to help repair the damage she's caused. Have you got someone that you trust?"

"Yes.. My girlfriend"

"Excellent, try and talk to her about this, in detail. Focus on the things that hurt you most.. I know, it may feel like torture, dragging all them memories up but it helps, trust me. And I'm sure she will support you in every way Alex"

"Okay, I will. Thanks Doctor Adams.."

"No problem Alex. Now, does same time next week suit you?"

"Yeah. I'll see you then"

"See you then. And don't forget to talk to your girlfriend"

"I wont" I smile and walk out of her office, through the waiting area and out to the car where Casey is sitting, waiting for me

"Hey Al" she says when I open the car door

"Hi.."

"How was it?"

"It was therapy Case, its not exactly a ball game, I'm not going to enjoy it.."

"I know.. I was just wondering.." She starts the car and I wince

"Casey, sorry, I shouldn't be snappy. I just don't feel like talking now.. Can we talk about it later?"

"Sure, if you want to"

"I do, just give me a little time"

"Sure Alex"

xx

"Case?" I ask from the couch and she walks in to the living room

"Yeah Al?"

"Are you busy?"

"Not at all.."

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course.." She sits closer to me and I take a deep breath

"Okay, well, Doctor Adams said that I should talk to you about the things Emma did to me.. The ones that hurt me most"

"Okay"

I close my eyes "Okay.. Well I suppose near the end of the relationship, I was experimenting with cutting, i used one of her razors to cut one gash in my wrist.."

"I thought you didn't start until after you broke up with her?"

"That was properly. This was just one cut and it felt right but I stopped. I-I did it because I needed to punish myself, make myself feel pain. S-She saw the cut one day and she used it to hurt me.. She said 'That'll turn women off you even more Alexandra' and I believed her... Thats why when you were asking me out I was so weird. I had her words going around in my head.. I thought you'd be disgusted by me" I look up at her and she meets my eyes

"Sweetheart, I'm not disgusted by you.."

"I know. But it was just in my head"

"What else did she do?"

"Comments about my weight. That hurt me nearly more than anything. I was always happy with my figure, always. And then she started saying things like 'Get out of them jeans Alexandra, they don't suit your figure' and 'You are too big for them. Maybe you should eat less.'... Everyday there would be some negative comment about my weight and that had more of an effect the mocking of cutting. I started eating less and when I did I made myself sick after it, I was virtually eating noting for a year.. She still wasn't happy. I still didn't fit into the jeans and she flipped.. Called me ugly, fat, a disappointment, all the names she could to hurt me.. That night I cried myself to sleep"

"Oh Al..."

Casey has tears in her eye and I sigh

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you"

"No.. No. Don't apologise, I'm glad you're talking to me about this Al, its just hard to think you were so alone.. Hurting so much. I wish I could've helped"

"But you are helping Casey.. This is helping. Having you here is helping" she wraps her arms around me

"I'm not going anywhere. Oh, by the way, all that bullshit that woman said about your figure is false. Alex, you are gorgeous, I wish I had your figure.. Please, don't believe her.. Wait, hows your eating now?"

"Not great.. I eat small portions and mostly health foods"

"You don't need to starve yourself Alex, okay? You are beautiful and so what if you cant fit into a size four jeans? To be honest, thats a little too skinny"

"I fitted into a four"

"Are you serious! Oh my god.." She runs her hand over my ribs and down to my stomach

"What size are you now?"

"6"

"Wow.. Sure as hell beats my 14"

"Don't put yourself down Case, you are perfect"

"Thanks but Seriously though, maybe you should eat a little more? Just a bit"

"Okay"

"Really?"

"Yeah. If thats what you want.."

"No. What I want is you to be happy and healthy. If you like the portions you're eating then thats okay, but when you finish a meal and you're still hungry and the only reason you aren't eating more is because you want to stay size 6, thats not okay. I want you to try and forget her nasty comments and realise that no matter what, I'm going to be here for you, regardless of size, weight, anything. I'm here. Please, try and get back to how you were before her, I'd love to see you happy, truly happy"

"Thank you Casey, you don't realise how much that means to me"

"I'm here. Day or night, I'm always here for you"

"I love you Casey"

"I love you too Al"


	7. Chapter 7

*1 year later*

"Al, dinner!" Casey calls from the kitchen and I walk in and kiss her

"Thank you sweetheart" I sit at the table and start eating the dinner that last year I wouldn't have eaten even half of.

Casey really has brought out the best in me. She sits across from me and I smile at her

"So how was your day?" I ask and she nods as she swallows her food

"Okay, Liv and El caught McCullers, he's in court next week"

"Thats great Case!" I eat more and she meets my eyes

"How was therapy?"

"I'm finished now"

She looks up "You are? Al thats great!"

"Yeah, Dr Adams and I talked today and she said for me to call in in a few months for a follow up but other than that, I'm done"

She takes my hand "You don't realise how proud I am of you Al.. For you to be so low and you had the strength to pull yourself back up. You are amazing"

"Case, I don't think you realise you helped me. The whole way from my lowest until now, you helped me. The first day you showed me your scars, told me I needed real help to get better, that day changed me. I wanted to get better, for you. To show you I could. I had something to work for and it was you"

"God, I love you so much"

"I love you too Case, now come on, eat before our dinner goes cold"

She'll never realise how much she helped me. She came for me when I was at my lowest and brought me right back up.

She saved me from myself. And I couldn't be any happier that she did.

xx

AN: I know, that was so bad. But for some reason I completely lost it in this story! I was going to delete it but I just said I'd write that they are both happy and Alex is improving with everyday. I'm sorry to finish it here.. Maybe If I get back into it at some time I'll pick it up again but for now, this is it.

Thanks for reading.


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